An American Film Geek’s Bottom 10 Movies for 2005

Christian Slater hits a career low point starring as some sort of paranormal investigator/black coated action man on the trail of GCI creature dogs. Tara Reid is along for the ride as the unconvincing babe scientist. Every camera move is unmotivated, every action scene painfully forced. Not one piece of glass or ice established on screen goes unshattered. This actually gives every other video game movie a bad name. The director, the infamous Uwe Boll, (an apparent blend of the worst elements of Renny Harlin and Michael Bay,) is cranking out crap like this, so beware. Did I mention this movie ends with a wailing 1980’s heavy metal rock song over the end credits? I’ll never forget the comically pained looks on everyone’s faces as the roomful of critics at the press screening got up to leave, unable to speak over the racket. Boll tortures to the very end.

2. Elektra

An almost unspeakably bad Marvel Comics adaptation that commits the cinematic crime of letting the teenage girl supporting character upstage the female star in terms of beauty. Jennifer Garner is completely checked out and looking particularly lumpy and alien-like. At least Elektra got to wear her trademark red, and actually be an assassin, (both elements missing from the slightly underrated “Daredevil” film that this spun off from,) but none of that makes up for this dull, flavorless turkey. The best thing to come out of this? The amusement of seeing an Elektra assassin Barbie doll on store shelves. I’m sure that the director’s cut DVD improves this film, for the simple fact that I don’t know how it could make it any worse.

3. Madison

Star Jim Caviezel ascended into heaven and Jake Lloyd probably went through puberty in the time this stinker sat on the shelf unreleased. Well, they finally let it out, and now everyone can enjoy the trite, contrived thrills of a big hydroplane championship in a 1970s small town. Woohoo!

4. Mindhunters

Did I already say Christian Slater hit a career low point earlier on this list? Well, this over-wrought Renny Harlin stinker gives me reason to reconsider. Where else does a one-time A-list star get relegated to high caliber slasher film cannon fodder, but not before baring his naked butt in a useless shower scene? Val Kilmer also slums it as a cuckoo FBI instructor. The mighty are falling all around us…

5. The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D

Okay, I don’t know who you people are who to this day keep posting about this movie on my review, but I don’t care how hot you think the boy in the lead role is, it still stinks! And even worse, it stinks in 3-D! Headache on top of headache.

6. Fun with Dick and Jane

An utterly useless and hammy film that had the gall to attempt to comment on the recent corporate greed scandals by remaking a caper film from the 1970s that no one saw. The stars try so hard to be funny that it actually hurts to watch them.

7. Rent

525,600 minutes. That is the measure of how long this movie felt.

8. Fantastic Four

After years of rumors and development, Marvel’s first family finally arrives on the big screen… like this? Lot of people enjoyed this, but I say Reed, Sue, Ben and Johnny all deserve MUCH better. Not to mention Dr. Doom, one of the greatest villains in all of pop culture, here reduced to a third-rate Donald Trump pretty boy. Extreme sports, amped-up irony and new costumes do not achieve their transparent purpose in making this property “cool”. The “Fantastic Four” comic book series has been many great things in its long history, but cool has never been one of them. I’ll give it one thing – the end leaves the door open for a sequel that doesn’t necessarily have to suck like this one did. Hopefully that film won’t commit this film’s single biggest crime of drolling on for over 2/3s of the film’s running time with no central threat to our heroes.

9. The Brothers Grimm

Once upon a time, there was a great director who got lost in the jungle of his own inspiration, and was held down in its mud by evil studio goblins. Terry Gilliam, here’s hoping that you can follow the breadcrumbs of your own vision to the path of creative freedom one day very soon.

10. Crash

At the time, I remarked that there likely wouldn’t be a 2005 film more heavy-handed than “Crash” – and I was right! Lots of people fell in awe of writer/director Paul Haggis’ pounding from his anti-racism sledgehammer, but not me. This is one ridiculously self-important film that crashes and burns, in my opinion.